What Kind of Friend?
Ever wonder what kind of friend you are? Self awareness is key in growth to evolve and become a better person. Recently, I found myself falling back into old habits. You know the ones I’m referring to. When life is hopping along in a great way and then it drops a wall in front of you to bounce off of. Life concussions—aren’t they grand. Especially those coming from someone who gaslights you into thinking you’re below grade.
“Gaslighting”. Have you heard of the word? I hadn’t until recently. For those who aren’t aware, I’ll summarize for you. The action of attempting to cause turmoil in another’s life by twisting reality to cause thoughts of preconceived fault or failure. Typically gaslighters are insecure and extremely judgmental. With zero self awareness or ability to change.
When you are exposed to a gaslighter, reality becomes distorted. They will convince you you’re negative, a failure, on a pity party, not good enough, not smart enough—the one thing you can count on is they will never compliment you. Nothing will be good enough.
Case in point—I recently made the comment, “Life is what it is. It doesn’t always go the way you want it to no matter how hard you work.” Just a statement of fact to keep in check. Sometimes you’re not a failure, life just snaps back and causes you to work harder. For those of you who have never had life snap back, congrats. For those of you who feel life has snapped you an over abundance—use those life experiences to help others.
I made this comment to someone I thought understood me. Was I wrong. The response was, “stop with the woe is meee stuff”. Emphasis on drawing out the “me”. As if to imply whining on a pity pot. I found myself ripped back into a prior version of myself. Analyzing my entire existence. Was I feeling sorry for myself? Was I negative? Is my life so bad I should be? Wow I’m a loser—WHOA! I shook my head and realized the noise had catapulted me into an oblivion of uselessness. Years ago I used to spend most of my energy attempting to make this person proud of me. A futile attempt as when looking back—never was I going to be good enough in his mind. He is too busy finding fault in the world to see the beauty of anything. Don’t believe me? Ask him if he’s happy. He will inevitably say no. Sad—but true. I would have given my own life to make him happy. Whatever I did was wrong or below grade—however if anyone else (other than me) in the universe completed the exact same action it was great. I loved him like no one I’ve ever loved before — honestly, completely with a loyalty he had never known—not good enough. Sometimes I think he connects with me because it’s entertainment for him to attempt to break me down.
But I digress. Focus on the signal not the noise.
What kind of friend are you? I’ve heard the saying, “to fall in love and be a great partner, one must first be a good friend.” There is some merit to this.
One of my favorites is out of a book titled, Where the Sidewalk Ends. It informs to not forget the simple things we learned in kindergarten. Look both ways before crossing the street. Hold hands. Most importantly—don’t forget anyone.
My 4th grade teacher read this to my class at the end of the school year. To this day, I remember her reading it. I remember analyzing it. At the end of fourth grade I was also thinking I was almost grown and analyzing what I was going to do with my life to support myself financially. (See a pattern with my brain?)
Don’t forget anyone. This doesn’t mean taking someone to the market—forgetting they are with you and leaving them behind while you drive off. For those of you who have actually made this reality—just breathe—it happens. However, let’s hope not often.
Don’t forget anyone means to ask questions. Make sure people are ok. Let’s go back to my comment of, “Life is what it is. It doesn’t always go the way you want it to no matter how hard you work.” Had the person I said this to cared enough to ask and not immediately judge why I said this I would have said I had watched a person I care about die just a few weeks ago. It had a profound affect on me. No matter how hard she fought—no matter how hard she worked—life didn’t cooperate. Ever watched someone take their last breath? It will impact you. What I’ve learned is the song really holds true. “You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have —the facts of life”. Remember the sitcom?
Along the path of life, I’ve collected a few people who lean on me for advice. This humbles me. That anyone would lean on me for life advice. If they lean on you—take this to heart. The things I emphasize when they’re struggling—Never stop fighting as long as you’re on this side of the dirt. Appreciate every minute of every day. Your mindset makes each day. Nothing lasts forever—good or bad—so breathe and relax.
Good friends are those who are constantly looking inward to be better people. Be the kind of friend who texts just to check in. Who notices when people need a mental pick me up. Who remain present in life. Ask how people are doing and then listen—question if need be. The kind of friend who is honest—true to your word—loyal.
Anyone can be great in good times. The true core of a person emerges at difficult times. This is true for situations people lean on you for—not necessarily just in your world.
Be the kind of friend who notices someone needs a hug (make sure you know the person —personal space ya’all). Always tell people how you feel. Never leave them to assume. If you care—tell them. If you love—tell them. If you don’t understand—ask. If you are upset—inform. Stay present to work through the conflict—communicate. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Stick up for those you care about. Don’t gossip and always have their back. Always! I will not allow anyone to speak negatively about anyone I care about. Ever! Give more than you take. For those of you thinking financially when you read this—learn to give of yourself—your heart. Be the kind of friend who cares so deeply and so wholeheartedly that it’s a risk, because the risk is worth it.
Be the kind of friend who doesn’t shy away from hard stuff like grief or failure. Don’t judge. Be present in their pain—be the post they can lean on until they can stand on their own again. Celebrate their wins as if they are your own. Small wins can be amazing when rebuilding a life. Pay attention. Too many people are focused on tearing down a win because of their short comings.
Be the kind of friend who talks about stuff that’s bothering you instead of pulling back. Be the kind of friend who will fight for your friendships like your life depends on it.
Your character—word—integrity—and loyalty. Those are what define your worth. People remember how you make them feel.
Yes, you will run into people who don’t deserve you. More than you like. Resign from them and move on. They are noise. Nothing is ever lost by being kind and generous.
We currently live in a very lonely world where so many people feel isolated and disconnected. These are people who have human contact every day. Contact with no substance. How do we change that? By being present. Not judging. Showing kindness. Giving people some grace. Not assuming when they make a comment—instead ask questions. Do not over think it. If what we give is not reciprocated—move on until you find our people—they will return all that is given. Refuse to let pettiness or small things wedge their way into your world.
Because, extraordinary friendships are built on people who decide to be extraordinary friends.
You will learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. Company doesn’t mean security or loyalty. A kiss isn’t a contract. Presents aren’t promises. Words aren’t actions.
Accept your defeats with your head up and eyes open. You’re in the arena with your people. Never lose sight of this. We will offer a hand to help you back to your feet. If it is my hand reaching out to help you up, you have my word I will do so with the grace of a lady and not the judgment of a child.
We build our roads one day at a time. Tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain to think about today. Live in the moment. Futures can fall in mid flight. Regroup—don’t fret—even sunshine burns if you get too much. Plant your own garden so you can share if need be. Decorate your soul in case you need to shine into someone else’s world.
You are strong
You are capable
And remember the simple things you learned in kindergarten. Look both ways before crossing the street. Hold hands. Don’t hit— (Mentally or physically) And never forget anyone.
Hold your chin up and strut!