Validation
Seeking validation can be an exasperating task. Especially if you want validation from an insecure human who hasn’t a clue how to be happy. Interesting enough, some of the most insecure people tend to be the most critical. We have all been in a situation where we want the approval of someone impossible to actually achieve it from. In today’s social media climate, there are some so desperate for approval they have to post literally everything about themself. What they eat—where they go—how they walk—when they dance—what they think—who they date—literally everything.
A former classmate posts her dating life like a dysfunctional RomCom. Every one the “love of her life”—
When it comes to dating, validation can veer out of control. I remember when I met HIM. Our first time hiking together. A 3 mile hike up the side of a mountain. It was an incredible hike. Not too challenging, with a bit of rock climbing at the summit. We sat on a flat rock, sharing a cookie, with the most amazing mountaintop view I’d ever experienced in my life. This was a view of the lake which could stop and restart your heart simultaneously. On the way down, he was striding ahead of me. Loose leaves below our feet made the footing slippery. I was walking maybe 15-20 feet behind HIM. My foot slipped—my body went into a full somersault again and again— rolling twice down the hill—I rolled back onto my feet and kept walking without losing a step. HIM was so focused ahead on his own footing, he never noticed my acrobatics. I never said a word about it, to this day he has no idea.
Back up to our first date— same thing. It was my first date in over a decade. (Don’t judge) Of course, I had to buy a new outfit. It was the dead of Winter. A mini dress with tights seemed like the trick. Found the perfect one, asked the sales associate to grab two pairs of tights for me—I was set. If you never take any other advice from me, NEVER fully trust a salesperson. Especially for picking out tights. This will come into play later. The date was located in Cincinnati, as we lived in different parts of the country. Cincinnati was the midpoint. We flew in, met at the airport then headed to our hotel. Once we were checked in, we went to our respective rooms to get ready for dinner. All was wonderful. Shower —makeup—hair—dress—everything was perfect. I was excited to head to dinner. I grabbed a package of tights—sat on the bed—ripped the tights out of the package—popped a foot into each side of the tights—stood up to pull the tights up—to my sheer horrific surprise—they stopped about half way up my thighs. It’s February in Cincinnati and I’m ghostly white. Both packages of tights the salesclerk grabbed for me were for short legs. I was mortified. What did I do? Well—I did the only thing I could think of. Pulled the tights up as far as they would go and hoped for the best. My steps were short, waddling in my heels to make sure those tights didn’t fall. At most, two inches between the hem of my dress and where my tights hit. No room for error. My mind in fear of tights slipping—causing me to trip and show my bits to the world. Strutting would not be a part of the night. I moved as little as possible. Waddling to the ladies room once. Then to the cab—my legs couldn’t move fast enough back to my hotel room to put sweats on. He never knew. For years, I’ve laughed with my friends about it.
Why do I tell you both stories? They both happened when we first met. I was so enamored with HIM, I lost myself. Why didn’t I let him know I lost my footing or my tights were the wrong size? Impressing him was so very important to me. No matter how huge the red flags were—I rationalized those away. Everything was my issue. Wanting HIM to be proud of me. Not realizing it would have been easier to shuffle on glass barefoot.
A friend of mine dated a man who continually declared he wanted to “find love”. However, the red flags she ignored were immense. One day she was talking about a city and how crime ridden it had become. He immediately blocked her on social media and posted, “Don’t tell me how to raise my kids”. Which had zero to do with their conversation, but did feed his immense desire to be a victim. Social media is always happy to accommodate victims.
Don’t be afraid of losing someone who is not grateful to have you. Read that over if need be. Surround yourself with people who are good for your vibe. Don’t lower yours to fit in—or for them to validate you. You wouldn’t let a thief into your house to steal your belongings— so why let someone put thoughts into your mind that steal your happiness or self esteem?
For years, no matter how hard I tried, nothing made HIM proud of me. Zero. Even recently, he jumped to negative conclusions about me. His exact words when describing me, “disappointing”. Why? Because I mentioned needing some time off because I was working double to make extra money. Immediately causing HIM to think I am broke and a loser. In fact, he accused me of “singing the same song”. Little does he know I’m aware of the current woman he’s dating. The one who has a less than stellar reputation in town. But go ahead and think I’m the one to describe as “disappointing”. I digress. It’s easy to get caught up in their dysfunction. (Deep cleansing breath—in with the butterflies—out with the bees)
Where were we? Oh yes—
When a negative person throws down on you, there are two options. Attempt to validate yourself to them—which you will never accomplish — or realize this is on them—not you. Let them perish in their own cesspool of negativity. In my case, I let HIM think whatever he wanted. Did I mention to HIM one of the most influential families in the country specifically asked me to assist them because of my expertise—or that I was asked to be the keynote speaker at a conference in two weeks—or that a former professional athlete (one he absolutely loves) asked me for an expert opinion? Nope. Let HIM think I’m “disappointing”. Honestly, after years (over a decade) of his criticism it’s become expected.
Why was I mad at myself? Because I trusted he had changed. I thought we had passed all of that nonsense. And yet with one email, HIM had me second guessing myself —feeling like I was a lower human being. Only this time before it hit me hard—mentally I shook it off. Blocked the negative vibe and let it go. It is what it is.
It is something to write about so people are more aware of the trap. So—
Let people be who they are. You are not responsible for their thoughts or opinions. What they think of you—is none of your business.
Dealing with some people is like nailing jello to the wall. You can’t stop anyone from stepping over diamonds to focus on stones. Maturity is the ability to walk away without defending yourself. You can try to understand their situation—maybe. Whatever you do —do not react to the attack.
The only person you need validation from are yourself and the people who truly care about you. Your inner circle. The people who always look for the positive in you. Those asking questions in an attempt to understand. The rest—what everyone else think of you—is irrelevant. When they throw their negativity down on you —ignore it.
As for me, death has been too close. Life is precious in my world. I choose to be happy every day —Smile often —Think less—Be present—Give more—Expect less.
However, I am human. So, if I have to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it one more time, the elastic is going to snap and I will be forced to show my butt!
If it feels wrong, don’t do it
Let go of what you can’t control
Stay away from drama and negativity
They think they can break you —instead throw their words in the fire.
Focus on the good and the good gets better
Surround yourself with dreamers—believers—thinkers—but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.
Don’t let the hard days win!
And
In case no one told you today
This world is better because you’re here.
Hold your head up
And Strut!