Perspective

You learn nothing from success.   Nothing.   You learn everything from failures. 

Annoys me no one are willing to talk about failures anymore.  It’s like shame.  Like failure is shame. No one gets “what did you learn from this?”  How did you grow? 

Whereas success everyone wants to talk about.  

Success happens from failing hundreds of times

Having people judge you

Laugh at you

Look down on you

You hit bottom and you grow

You have to believe in yourself 

Believe in your talents

Believe things will get better

When people put you down you either become more determined, or you believe them and cower down.  To pull yourself up when people are putting you down takes mental strength.  The ability to believe in yourself when no one else supports you.  

It’s rare I talk about what it’s like to be adopted.  Its difficult to explain to most.  I’ve been called many things because of it— independent—special — or by one small minded human “orphan”.   I never wanted adoption to define me.  It was never a title I sought after.  Looking back—it did carve a piece of me.   Most people have a first word being “Mommy” or “Daddy”.  My first word?  Adopted.  Although it came out like I had peanut butter on the roof of my mouth.  “Dopted”  I would toddle up to people and say the word as if everyone should know.  How was this my first word?  My mother told me daily I was adopted.  She wanted me to know from her mouth and not through small town rumors.  Knowing your truth is important no matter the age.  

As I grew into my early teens—I watched my parents destroyed over numerous failures of my younger sibling.  A former foster child they had adopted years after me.  He was a huge amount of trouble—but my father wanted a son more than life itself.  Even if that son was a mess.  They leaned on me for strength through difficult times.  It’s funny how you pull strength to stand solid for people you care about.  Even when you are a child and are still learning the world yourself.  I became an overachiever—pushing myself beyond my limits to reach my goals in order to give my parents pride.  To see a smile on their faces.  Started violin at the age of 2 —my first recital at 5–concert violinist by 12.  Started riding at the age of 8 — led the state by the age of 13– accomplished equestrian by 16.  4-H wasn’t enough to join a club — I was a Key Award Recipient.  Graduated high school 2 years early.  College honor roll.  You name it—if it was a goal I surpassed it.  Any obstacle I had to overcome —most of which were planted solid in front of me by my parents — I broke myself in half to overcome those obstacles.  Why?  In my mind, they needed something to be proud of.  

As a very young adult, I moved to New York City.  Where I grew up, everyone associated you with your kin.  Your family are what defined you.  East coast, everyone had one question, “what are you?”  Something I’d not been asked before.  What I was—my ethnicity. My first reaction was to blurt out the obvious, “I am female—hear me roar!”  No one thought I was nearly as funny as I did.   Everyone guessed what I was.  Italian, Greek, English—rumor had it I was French.  Before long, I became curious as to what I actually was.  Mix that with a curiosity of what health issues could be determined by bloodwork—and a genealogy test seemed like the best ticket to the question of “What are you?”  Never mind who.  

If you’ve never taken one of the genetic tests, you register online—decide if you want familial matches (just in case) — spit in a test tube—mail it in—wait an astronomical amount of time— and one day there it is—as I stared at what I was (Greek, Italian, French in case you were wondering) I noticed something I wasn’t looking for—familial matches.  

Little did I know this would change my life.  “Biological”. A word a select group of people use.  If you’re adopted, you understand.  People who do not understand use words like “real Dad” or “real Mom”.  For the record— I can assure you my parents were “real”.  And by parents I mean the only two people on this planet I give the title of “Mom” and “Dad”.  The people who my loyalty are with.  The ones who put food on the table and clothes on me as a child.  No matter the obstacles they put in front of me, they took me in and raised me.  

So there I am staring at a computer.  Alone.  No one to confide in.  My eyes blinking at my computer.  Staring at one sentence.  “This is your mother”.   My mind screaming —this absolutely was not truth.  But it’s DNA.  Difficult to deny.  

In that moment, my mind, for the first time, thought about my biological roots.  I watched movies and read about people finding their biologicals. Never did I think this would be me.  Yet—there I was staring at the gates of a world I’d only abstractly known prior to this moment.  

That was 7 years ago.  What would I tell you today?  If you are adopted and your footing isn’t solid on the ground.  If you do not know exactly who you are internally to your core.  If you aren’t capable of absorbing criticism, rejection, dysfunction and manipulation.  It’s like trying to stand up on a trampoline while everyone are jumping.  If you do not have family and friends capable of helping you to your feet while you are bouncing on that trampoline.  Do not jump down the rabbit hole.  Some things in life are better left unknown.  

For me, an amazing biological sibling and cousin surfaced.  Whom I’m grateful for.   

In relationships….in life….The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.   

What I’ve realized —in life perspective will make or break you.  I watched fathers protect their daughters beyond my imagination.  They were protectors and providers.  While in college, I noticed girls hope for a man to sweep them off their feet.  As a young adult woman, I watched women who landed a husband from an affluent family turn their backs on those of us who were working in “corporate”.  As if it were a bad word.  All the while, I was on my own.  It never crossed my mind my world was so much different.  Working, supporting myself, living alone—I was good with all of it.  It didn’t matter all of the others looked down on me.  I worked hard and supported myself.  

When I met HIM it was the first time I truly felt a part of someone. He assumed I was like any other woman looking for what he termed a “scholarship”. Looking back — he had a base. Something I never had. It was amazing to be a part of that base. Even if HIM didn’t want me to be a permanent part of it. To know it even for a limited time was amazing.

Self-control is strength.

Calmness is mastery. 

You have to get to a point where your mood doesn’t shift based on the insignificant actions of someone else. Don’t allow others to control the direction of your life. Don’t allow your emotions to overpower your intelligence. 

Life is too short to dance with ugly people.  Enjoy your life after handing the reins over to Karma.  

 Never listen to anyone who gives you crap about needing closure from toxic people.  Sometimes, you leave with a lesson—and sometimes you leave with nothing but an opportunity to distance yourself from someone who couldn’t love you properly.  You will never find answers in someone who couldn’t even comprehend your value.  I don’t care if it’s a biological parent, adopted parent, sibling or the person you think to be the love of your life.  The mistreatment is an answer; the disrespect is an answer. The person who hurt you was full of crap, and they are no longer deserving of your emotional energy.  

As for me.  In my dreams, HIM realizes he has and always will have my heart and that means something to him.  He realizes he loves me and wants to have a life together. Create an “Us”.  Protect me.  Make sure I’m good in every way.  Allows me to add value to his life. Other times, I dream of a father who absolutely protects me from everything.  Cares that I am safe.  The way a father is supposed to.  

What I realize now.  Protection is what you have to provide for yourself.  Happiness is driven from within your soul—not from another human.  And if you’ve found someone who loves you no matter what—consider yourself one of the lucky ones.  

Albert Einstein said it best.  The one who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. Those who walk alone are likely to find themselves in places no one has ever been before.

Life is too short to live in a comfort zone.  Take chances.  Believe in yourself.  If you are like me with no protector forging a path for you—gather your strength and realize there is nothing wrong with having to do so by yourself. You are not alone.  Jump in the arena with the rest of us forging our own path.  Money doesn’t define you.  Character does.  

Life is about Perspective.  Never let anyone tear you down for their own satisfaction.  Stay your course. 

Character shows if you pay attention.  
Remember to watch.