Love Is….Or Isn’t

Finally February, the New Year’s resolutions have tanked, causing the gym to go back to normal.  However, with February — Valentine’s Day.   When we were kids, it was a day for swapping cards and eating chocolate.  As an adult, I have seen it all.  From women ordering their own bouquets to deliver to the office, to yelling at their significant other for not doing what they thought should be done, to cheesy singing deliveries and packed upon packed restaurants.  If you’re traveling on business, Valentine’s Day is the day you eat snacks in the room to avoid the crowds.  My take on it?  If you can’t tell the person you love them the other 364 days of the year—don’t bother on this day either.  

I’ve spoken about focusing on the signal and not the noise.  In doing so, I thought why not get cards for my little cousins.  They’re kids and still enamored by any holiday with treats.  Namely, a card with a gift card inside.  As I’m standing at the card case, my analyzer brain took over.  There were cards for love, daughter, son, grandmother, funny, an over abundance for wife (men pay attention), Mom—however, only one I could find for Dad.  A card with the Superman symbol on the front and a cheesy saying inside comparing Dad to a super hero.  As I stood feeling Dads of all ages had been massively failed, a Dad/Husband approached the case.  He asked if I knew where the wife cards were.  They were hidden on the bottom left behind a case with gift bags.  Apparently, a hint a gift might be in order with the card.  Per Hallmark, men need subliminal messaging.  He abruptly moved the case, found the wife cards, grabbed one and walked away.  Didn’t even read it.  Now there is efficiency.  I watched two more men walk up and do the same thing.  You know their wives will open those cards and think their wonderful men actually read the cards, associated the card with their relationship and signed in undying love and affection.  The fallacies of life have always amazed me.  

Of course we all want to be loved.  However, why do some need to sensationalize it.  Is it not enough to just have love?  Must one post it on every social media outlet?  

The guy I’ve mentioned in prior posts who has grappled with relationships his whole adult life is addicted to Hallmark movies and the idea of love.  The actual act of love, which requires work and thinking of another person other than himself is beyond his capacity.  However, his last engagement was on Facebook live.  She proposed to him.  Marriage was a destination and all over Facebook.  Marriage lasted maybe a month and then done.  His third, maybe fourth tanked marriage.  I’ve lost count.  The last person he dated was way above his station.  We all questioned why this woman would look twice at him.  Nonetheless she did.  It lasted a millisecond though as he is beyond loving anyone but himself.  When they parted ways, he told her to have a “blessed life ….she was going to need it.” Alrighty then. The declarations of a mess. Interesting how those least capable of self awareness and growth throw religion as a smoke screen to their deficits. He will never understand the meaning of true, devoted love.  Her life seemed very blessed.  His is a maze of pity parties and odd declared prophecies which make zero sense.  

As for me?  I’ve never really celebrated Valentine’s Day.  I’ve referred to HIM in other posts. He wasn’t into cards.  Or holidays for that matter.  Funny thing, it didn’t matter to me because every minute with him was a gift.  In my eyes.  Interesting how love can blind us to things.  Like when he first told me he loved me.  Those 8 letters—3 words—with one meaning from his mouth to me,  made my world.  When he proposed—I could barely breathe I was so absolutely filled with joy.   We were shopping on St Patrick’s Day when he bounced into Tiffany’s to look at rings—the shock so strong my hands shook as we tried them one by one.  I loved him with every ounce of my being.  St Patrick’s Day will never be the same. 

The world loves a good love story right?  Cinderella—Snow White—those are the only two I can think of as fairy tales have never been a part of my life. In theory or reality.   I believe the saying goes —happily ever after.  

Now let’s give you the reality.  As thrilled as I was to hear, “I love you!” Come from his mouth.  It was a stabbing shot through the heart to hear a few days later, “I don’t love you like I should.”  After he proposed, he ignored ever speaking of it again.  After he took me ring shopping, he never spoke of it until I sent an email asking what kind of joke was he playing.  He returned with “I don’t love you like I should.” Pierced my heart so badly I could not hold food down for several days.

My heart shattered.  My analyzer brain looked internal.  Was I not smart enough?  Not good looking enough? Not thin enough? Why wasn’t I good enough? My internal capacity to understand failed miserably.  Ever had heartache so bad you couldn’t breathe?  I was there.  I tried to make him proud of me.  Failing every attempt.  Eventually, I ran.  Took a job in another state and started my life elsewhere.  

My heart will always ache for HIM.  I’ve come to push it down into the noise slot in an attempt to ignore it.  There are many songs about loving someone and not having them return your love.  The ache is indescribable, even in song.  What makes it worse— he makes fun of my world.  His financial capacity is much higher than mine.  He looks down on me for this.  You haven’t felt pain until a person you care about makes fun of your world to a point you feel broken.  

Looking back he was always looking for a reason to find fault.  Some kind of demonic hidden fact he could bolt in a room and declare success in finding.  Need an example?  He borrowed my vehicle once.  Found a business card for my blog.  He thought he’d finally found some dirt on me.  Hid the fact he found the card.  Instead of asking me about it, he went into super sleuth mode.  People, I have zero to hide.  I’m as honest as the day is long.  Most days more honest than I should be.  What you see is what you get.  Unfortunately, I disappointed him once again by the card leading him to a blog and not some kind of criminal activity.  

The last time we spoke, I felt myself reverting back to the need to make him proud of me. He was criticizing where I am in life. This time, I caught myself before it happened.  This is noise.  People who instead of seeing your good attributes—instead pick your world apart in an attempt to make you feel like a failure.  

My childhood was full of judgment and criticism.  I became an overachiever to prove I was worth something.  As an adult, I’ve learned this is noise.  If people do not accept you for who you are—they are not your people.  If people do not love you for the wonderful gifts you bring to the table—then they are not your people.  

Allow me to put it in an equestrian analogy.  You can never rely on a horse who has been educated by fear.  As there will always be something they fear more than you.  However, when a horse trusts you, they will ask you what to do when they are afraid.  This partnership will lead to success.

You are what you do—NOT what you say you will do. 

Those who give you the feeling you’re not enough.  Those who cause you to revert back to childhood insecurities.  Those who make fun of you—ignore your strengths and focus on your weakness—all of this is noise.  

Focus on the signal.  Those who build you up when you’re down.  Give you strength when you’re struggling.  Give your heart a boost to tackle the world.  Those are your people.  

Do not carry your mistakes around with you.  Don’t let anyone use them against you.  Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones.  There are only 2 people you need to make proud. Not your Mom — or your Dad. Not your significant other or your friends. It’s the 8 year old version of yourself—and the 80 year old version of you. If those two people are happy with the way you lived your life—if they are proud of you—it means you did everything right.

This Valentine’s Day, give yourself some grace.  Find love in a quiet space, or at the beach.  Be around people who give positive energy.  And of course, eat some chocolate strawberries!

Lastly, be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind do not matter and those who matter do not mind.  Life is too short to not lead every day with positive energy.

When someone says you can’t do it, do it twice and take pictures!  To be successful at anything, you don’t have to be different.  You simply have to be what most people are not—consistent.  

I continue to believe in love.  Someday, love will find me.  My guess would be when I finally am able to get another horse.  

Stay healthy inside and out!