Resilience

What is resilience? The capacity to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties.  Across social media there are millions of memes about being “tough”—withstanding the storm—people declaring boundaries—stating how they didn’t know how tough they could be until tough was the only option.  My analyzer brain kicks in.  Thou doth profess too much.  

Growing up, many in our rural town referred my friends, including myself as, “Farm Girl Tough”.  We worked on the farm which required hauling hay, moving sacks of grain, unloading shavings, cleaning stalls and any other chores required to make sure animals were fed and comfortable.   It should have been “Ranch Girl Tough”.

I can remember my first vehicle.  A truck of course.  My parents turned it into a life lesson.  Purchasing my own insurance. Learning how to check and change the oil.  Changing tires, as well as knowing how to grease bearings, replace the clutch, brakes and anything else which could break down.  

We lived in the middle of nowhere.  Long hours on rural roads meant learning to be your own knight in shining armor.  I can change a tire and maneuver out of situations that would leave most adults stranded.  In fact, after moving to NYC, the first date I went on, his Tahoe broke down on the expressway.  While he called for help, I proceeded to look under the hood.  Wearing a skirt and heels—I fixed the problem to get us on our way.  Needless to say, the embarrassment of a woman fixing his vehicle, while he sat and called for help, did not lead to a 2nd date.  

Narcissism is not an option on the farm.  Farm life often means sacrifices and putting animal’s welfare before yourself, but it also means learning to be self sufficient and resilient. Learning how to rescue yourself and understand how the machines we depend on actually work. It means learning to problem solve. It also means learning to NOT dip your ponytail in the used oil pan or get it caught in the wheels of the creeper as you squiggle under the truck where most grown men can’t fit.   Do you think you’ve experienced a bad hair day? Get your ponytail caught in the wheel of a creeper, to a point it requires cutting out. Then we will discuss a “bad hair day”. Luckily, my hair is thick, and I learned after one time. Some life lessons only require once.

Farm life can be tough, but that just means growing up in a space where farm girl tough is the norm. It means learning not to break down when things get tough.  It means learning the difference between emotional tough and physical tough— yet having both.  

After living all over the US, I have determined our world could use a little more farm girl tough and a lot less of the princess mentality in it.  

There is a new cult in watching a series titled Yellowstone.  It has drawn a new light on ranching and farm life.  In fact, it has even drawn an infatuation with it.  Namely, two main characters.  Rip, the simple minded, tough rancher working for the owner of the ranch since childhood.  Beth, the daughter of the owner.  Both tough as nails from the immense trauma bestowed upon them from childhood.  While watching the latest episode, it dawned on me the obsession with Rip isn’t because he is good looking, because let’s be honest, the actor portraying him wasn’t any woman I knows top fantasy guy.  It’s that he is all male.  Rugged, tough, masculine, loyal —a brut of a guy.

Pair this with the patience he has with Beth no matter how unreasonable she is being. He affords her the ability to be as crazy as she needs to be without calling her a gamut of different terrible names, hitting her and/or walking away or out on her. It’s how he defends and takes up for her even when he knows she’s wrong. And how he never calls her out about being wrong in front of other people. He saves that for when they are in private. Because in public he’s on her side 110% and he gives no doubt to everyone. His voice remains soft, even when he’s commanding.

This kind of power yet softness these days is a rarity.  Mostly found in the scripts written in Hollywood.  Ladies—if you happen to run across one of these unicorns—and he’s single—snatch him up quick. 

I’ve actually heard a male declare, “I don’t chase women.”  What kind of flower doesn’t go after what he wants? I’ve yet to hear a woman say, “I want an emotionally weak man who has no clue what he wants.” This same male whines about not being able to find “true love” as well as someone to share things with.  He’s also the same male married multiple times with many failed relationships in between.  Has he ever stopped to think maybe, just maybe, it isn’t a good thing for a woman to chase?  It goes against nature.  It also screams to a solid, grounded female—weakling.  Don’t believe me?  How many romcom movies are the women desperately chasing a man?  Interesting the things people do to screw up their lives and then whine they don’t have the life they want.  

Maybe a true, masculine male is a fantasy women have become obsessed with because it’s a rarity these days to find.  

Then there is Beth.  My guess is as much as women are infatuated by Rip, those men whining about life, declaring they don’t chase women, are terrified of Beth.  Beth is complicated, yet simple.  She is farm girl tough in an entirely different way.  Her character grew up on a large ranch with men.  Her parents were immensely hard on her.  As a child and inexperienced rider, Beth caused her mother to fall from a horse and die.  Guilt.  The most useless verb or noun.  It serves no purpose but to tear a person into shreds from the inside out.  To add to Beth, she is tormented from life decisions made out of fear.  She is educated, smart, savvy —with a wit so sharp and quick, it can drop the most braisen  NY businessman to the fetal position in a millisecond.  

I can relate to Beth.  My childhood wasn’t the best.  We worked extremely hard—coming home exhausted to a point most days I fell into bed without eating. To add to this, my parents had foster kids who would sneak into my room in the middle of the night to punch me in my sleep out of jealousy.  I learned to defend from a sound sleep. I also slept with my dogs as their hearing was much sharper than mine. My horses were my solace.  My grandmother’s advice my sanity.  Farm girl tough defined me.  Not because I had something to prove— because it was the only solution I had to survive.  In college, I met girls who shopped on the weekends, hung by the pool and were focused on finding a husband.  That was as baffling to me as animals falling from the sky would have been.  My goal—work hard, learn as much as possible and figure out how to support myself.   

After moving to the city, I’ve met all kinds of people.  Women who watch a female tough chick fight her way out of tight corners.  Walking out of the theatre tall and proud—proclaiming the tough walk.  Hitting the gym the next day to “lift heavy”.  Willing to fight and defend “if necessary”.  

They should have grown up in rural America.  Where the girls can throw a right hook as equally hard as the guys.  Where muscle didn’t come from the gym.  It came from hard work and long days.

I’m not saying fighting is right.  I’m saying tough doesn’t need a proclamation.  

I often wonder why women proclaim being “tough”.  Yet those same women are the first to cry under any kind of pressure.  Tough is a quiet storm you control within.  It’s the fight from your core which affords you the ability to stand up when your body as well as your mind are shattering.  It’s the fierce loyalty you have for honesty, integrity and trust.  Which you give with passion and expect in return.  There is no pretending to like someone, no fake, no words said frivolously.  

Ever wonder why a wedding ring is worn on the left hand finger next to the pinky?  We call it the “ring finger”.  There is a vein leading from this finger straight to the heart.  Wearing a ring on this finger symbolizes deep love, loyalty, honesty, trust—symbolizing a closeness you have with only your partner.  So then why is it so easy for some to put a ring on and off so easily?  They do—until they don’t.  

So does partnering with someone who has done the “I do” until “I don’t” multiple times kind of emulate playing Russian roulette only with multiple bullets in the gun?  

I digress though.  

Resilience.  I challenge those proclaiming to be tough.  Mentally and physically.  Do so in quiet action.  Do so by pushing yourself to be better.  You can be tough without words.  

It is possible to be tough—yet quiet.  Strong—yet soft.  Well spoken—yet reserved.

Your life is ultimately measured by your outcomes—not your intentions.